Lost in Thought
Sometimes I get lost in thought. I get so lost in thought that I need a map to get out. Here lately my thoughts have revolved around the ideal life I have in my head.
The ideal life
I have such a grand picture of the ideal life in my head. And it isn’t having a full time housekeeper and chef and sitting on my couch eating bon bons. While that would be nice, my ideal is essentially my life as it is now, only without all the things that drag me down. Me being a better and more attentive wife and mother. Keeping house better, having better finances, taking better care of myself. I just want my life with a rumba, extra spending money (for vacations, holidays, and birthdays), and to no longer let things drag me down.
My life is pretty good
I have all of the things I want. We have a house, I’m married and have a daughter, two cars, and four pets. I have a job that pays the bills and gives me enough free time to spend with my family. But, I just can’t get past all the things I wish I would do. I wish that I would carve out more quality time for my family (both as a group and individually), I wish that I wouldn’t let dirty dishes, and a pile of laundry ruin my day.
My husband has a job and several people in his life that really drag him down, and I wish there was a way I could help with that. People need to see how far my husband goes to help them with nothing in return. Also, I need to quit wishing that everyone, and everything would just behave themselves and just chill out. Never am I ever at peace because there is always some chaos in the background (or sometimes in the foreground) that causes me strife.
The last time I really remember being calm and peaceful was sometime back in college. After the end of the semester I would be calm and peaceful because there wasn’t any more demands until the next semester. All the work I had to do for the semester was over. And while I had a job, and an apartment, I wasn’t worried about it. There was a sense of freedom with very little responsibility. And I know not everyone gets this, and I had student loans, so don’t think I had a free ride to college.
I’m done adulting
But since taking on my own full-time job and being 100% responsible for myself and all my bills, I never feel like I am done. There is always that thing looming in the back of my mind that I need to do. Whether it is schedule a date-night with my husband (which is always on my mind unless we had one within the last few days) or the fact that I the laundry, dishes, and house cleaning seem to be a never ending job.
My personality type is ISFJ, which is the defender (from 16personalities.com). Some of my strengths are being supportive (check), reliable and patient (so-so), being imaginative and observant (check), and loyal and hard-working (yup). But my weaknesses get the better of me often. They are being humble and shy (painfully shy), taking things personally (yeah), repressing my feelings (at times), and overloading myself.
Everyone just needs to be nice and do their job
If everyone would do that, then there would be no problems, at least not really. Be it the Golden Rule, or Karma, I wish people would just behave themselves because it is the right thing to do. And yes, I know I am not always nice and behave myself. I know we all have our moments, but if the majority of the time everyone would be nice, then the world would be a much better place.
Not everyone behaves themselves. And I don’t have the ability to fix all the world’s problems. Heck, I can’t even solve my own minor ones. I just wish that I could get out of my head long enough to see all of the good in my life. To stop seeing all of the bad, and the stuff that “should” be done.
If only I could find the map…